Eva's story really begins October 2009. That was when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. It was a complete suprise. Matt and I were so excited. At first the pregnancy was fine. But around 12 weeks I started having complications. And on December 31, 2009 right before midnight I lost my first child in a miscarriage. We found out it was a boy and we named him Obediah. The loss of a baby even before they are born is heartbreaking. 2010 wasn't off to a good start for us.
The next six months were the darkest of my life. I was mourning the loss of my baby. Then a month and a half later my Granny passed away and the mourning only intensified. I felt abandoned and forgotten by God. All my life even in the hard times I never felt like God wasn't listening or that He didn't care. I could always hear His voice but not this time. For several months I felt like there was just a huge gulf between me and God. I couldn't hear His voice. I would read my Bible and pray begging God to speak to me, to relieve my pain and make my dreams come true but I heard nothing from Him or at least that's what it seemed. The answer to my plead was really WAIT. While dealing with the grief I couldn't understand why a loving God wouldn't want to just take my pain away.
Then one day a friend of mine shared a book with me. It's really a poem that was put into book form. The poem is Wait by Russell Kelfer. Here is what it says:
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
This poem says it all. During those most difficult days God was really teaching me the depths of His love. His grace is truly what brought me through that time and His love is what brought joy through a tough situation.
We starting trying to get pregnant again but complications from the miscarriage where hindering us from it. I began to get really discouraged. It was hurting my relationship with God and Matt. Finally, during the summer, I reached a point where I was done fighting the situation. I gave it over to God for Him to deal with. I was finally able to let go an let God.
One day in August we were at choir practice and our leader asked if I would be interested in singing a song she had picked out. It was Completely from the movie Facing the Giants. I had never seen the movie before which was a good thing because I could have never sung that song if I had watched the movie first. The movie tells the story of a couple who are trying to get pregnant and can't. The wife is discouraged but she reaches a point where she just gives it to God and chooses to accept whatever He has planned for her. (here is the link to the youtube video if you have never seen the movie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBfPqcJoPqc) This song was just another way of God showing me that He hadn't forgotten me and that if I give myself to Him completely I won't be disappointed.
And I am not disappointed at all. That October, the day after our 2 year anniversary, I found out that I was pregnant again. This time God saw fit to give me more time with my precious little one.
Eva Lynn Hornyak was born on June 13, 2011, one of the most amazing days of my life. She is a testament that God did not forget me, His grace was enough (2 Corinthians 12:9), and He truly does bring beauty from ashes. Although it will always be sad that we lost our first child, I can praise God for the blessings He brought through that heartache. My marriage is much stronger and I now have a beautiful baby girl who is snuggled up to me while I type :-)
